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minoanmissspecifically, advice columns, because today I am Taking A Break, and I found this bit of advice about becoming a parent (or any kind of child's caretaker) after having been abused.
One final note: In my experience, people who have suffered abuse as children often react very strongly when their own first child is placed in their arms. Those of us lucky enough to have had good—or good-enough—parents are often suddenly struck by how much our parents love(d) us, and how many mistakes come along with the job, and develop a whole new appreciation for the work they did. People who’ve been abused as children often go in the opposite direction, as they realize how tiny and vulnerable kids are, and memories they’ve pushed aside or moved on from can resurface in a powerful, traumatic, and angry way. Just be ready for that if it comes.
I'm not posting the letter it came from because Someone Is Being Terrible, but I remember this happening to me so this resonated with me.
In other news, another letter, about fingernail biting, referenced a chew toy neckace:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076GXX7Q8/?creativeASIN=B076GXX7Q8&linkCode=w61&imprToken=UwJKDw4tvprEH4obL7u1IQ&slotNum=0&tag=slatmaga-20
… do they make those for adults? Asking for a friend.
One final note: In my experience, people who have suffered abuse as children often react very strongly when their own first child is placed in their arms. Those of us lucky enough to have had good—or good-enough—parents are often suddenly struck by how much our parents love(d) us, and how many mistakes come along with the job, and develop a whole new appreciation for the work they did. People who’ve been abused as children often go in the opposite direction, as they realize how tiny and vulnerable kids are, and memories they’ve pushed aside or moved on from can resurface in a powerful, traumatic, and angry way. Just be ready for that if it comes.
I'm not posting the letter it came from because Someone Is Being Terrible, but I remember this happening to me so this resonated with me.
In other news, another letter, about fingernail biting, referenced a chew toy neckace:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B076GXX7Q8/?creativeASIN=B076GXX7Q8&linkCode=w61&imprToken=UwJKDw4tvprEH4obL7u1IQ&slotNum=0&tag=slatmaga-20
… do they make those for adults? Asking for a friend.
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Date: 2019-11-19 08:19 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-21 05:04 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-19 08:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 06:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-19 08:45 pm (UTC)A thing that seemed to be manifesting itself there was that yes, many people who'd been abused as kids had these things hit them over the head when their children were first born, but many more were initially fine and then when their child hit the age wherein they themselves were abused-- often, when they were first really old enough to remember, and in some cases, something the poster had not realized was abuse until they contemplated their own child at this same age in a similar situation-- that was when it really hit them. And I thought that was so interesting. Awful, but interesting.
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Date: 2019-11-20 02:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 06:11 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 06:06 pm (UTC)Yeah, to be more precise that's when it hit me. I'm helping raise
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Date: 2019-11-19 09:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-19 10:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 06:07 pm (UTC)*grin*
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Date: 2019-11-19 10:36 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 06:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 01:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 06:08 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-21 05:02 pm (UTC)(check your email ;))
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Date: 2019-11-20 08:48 am (UTC)I don't know how we will weather him growing up, he's still so little. I am fairly confident I will not go into rages like my mother did, that has never been my way. I'm more likely to end up the embarrassing soppy foreign mum who doesn't speak right and is older than any of his schoolmates' mums, and while it will break my heart a little when it comes time for him to reject me, it's still 1000% better than becoming his abuser.
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Date: 2019-11-20 06:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-22 08:15 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-22 04:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-20 01:53 pm (UTC)At least not so far having taken forty plus years to process what happened.
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Date: 2019-11-20 06:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-21 01:36 am (UTC)I certainly realized at some point that part of why I wear necklaces so often is that they are socially acceptable fidget toys. (which is also why I tend to accidentally break the weaker chains or otherwise less sturdy necklaces.)
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Date: 2019-11-21 01:40 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-21 05:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-11-22 12:25 am (UTC)This is one of the reasons I went to therapy.
If you ever end up talking to your friend about this, one thing I learned from multiple sources is that the way not to do a thing is to have another thing prepared to do instead. Instead of just saying "I don't want to hit kids" have other ideas on discipline and calmness prepared and rehearsed well ahead of time.
(Not that I'm perfect, but... I've never hit the kids or told them they were unlovable and the reason for all my problems, so I'm doing better than my parents, go me)
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Date: 2019-11-24 02:34 am (UTC)