Bringing a meme to edibility

[minoanmiss]

It's too hot to cook so let me discuss an as-yet theoretical dish instead. Content advisory: This post discusses organ meat prep and consumption.

A common expression on Tumblr is "kung pow penis" and it occured to me the other day that the dish could be made.

Bull's pizzle is perfectly edible. When I was fourteen I asked my mother what the tubular gelatinous meat in her soup was, since it wasn't a kind of sausage. She gleefully informed me that it was bull's pizzle, and watched me run around screaming, because I was fourteen.

I'm not fourteen anymore, and I fondly remember the chew of that mysterious semicircular meat. Meanwhile, it seems that almost any protein can be given the Kung pao treatment. Almost all the recipes I've read for kung pao chicken, beef, tofu, pork, etc, are pretty similar. I've seen kung pao venison and shrimp and scallop recipes. However, am I right that these recipes are all so similar? I'm not Chinese -- what I know of Chinese cooking is by casual study. Can I really develop a fitting recipe?

Meanwhile, preparing bull's pizzle is not for the fainthearted. Of course once I stopped freaking out I asked my mother to show me how to cook it, and it was a nice moment in an otherwise fraught relationship. The pizzle has to be washed, the internal membrane peeled away, washed again, then stewed gently for about 2 hours. I will have to include a note warning anyone making this that they must commit to the bit.

So, as WD shakes his head over my madness, what do you think? Should I develop this recipe?

Poll #29322 Kung Pao Penis

This poll is anonymous.
Open to: Registered Users, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 24

Should I develop this recipe?

View Answers

Yes, it could be tasty
11 (45.8%)

Yes, it would be interesting and creative
18 (75.0%)

Yes it would be funny
11 (45.8%)

No, it would be disgusting
0 (0.0%)

No, you probably don't know enough about Chinese cuisine yet
0 (0.0%)

No, and what is wrong with you?
1 (4.2%)

Comments

[lemonsharks]

Yes but watch some more chinese cooking demystified on YouTube first and remember how spicy you like things

Also oh god that was the round thing in the soup I'm going to go take a moment to ... Process that . . . Knowledge

[minoanmiss]

One of the wise people we know (Ama) asked me if I thought about how the textures would work together and I think the tender-chew of properly cooked pizzle would play offf the crunch of peanuts and vegetables quite nicely.

I don't actually like food that hot -- I often joke I am the most tender-mouthed Jamaican.

*cackles with glee and sets out to find a pizzle and a new pot*

[kore]

*cackles with glee and sets out to find a pizzle and a new pot*

Now THAT sounds like a neat fairytale quest

[minoanmiss]

I am imagining a tweenage halfling setting out on this quest, ahahaha

[amaebi]

I feel that I should tell you that I, personally, am puritanical about kung pao and opposed to the addition of vegetables, which mess up the peanut crispness and are, to me, otiose at best. I am protein, peanuts, (oodles of whole flattened clove) garlic, chili peppers, and sauce combo only.

Of course, it’s not my bull puzzle.

[minoanmiss]

Beee heee hee *giggle*

*recovers from giggling*

*makes notes* This is important information for when I get to cook dinner for you.

[amaebi]

BTW and FWIW I think that the chewiness of the pizzle would be novel but likely enjoyable in the dish.

[anagramofbrat]

I often joke I am the most tender-mouthed Jamaican.

Ayyyy, Guyanese descent over here. And I have the spice tolerance of a Minnesota toddler, much to the consternation of my (white) husband and probably several generations of tooth-sucking Aunties. So I probably got you beat. :D

Also just repeated use of "pizzle" in the entry and in the comments is absolutely sending me right now, but I needed the giggle so thanks for that.

[minoanmiss]

Oh no the tooth-sucking Aunties!

My White sweetie is very proud that he likes hotter food than I do. He turns bright red, so we are both entertained. :D

You are most welcome for any and all giggles. :D

[anagramofbrat]

lol yep. Mine cannot shovel enough cookup rice and Guyanese pepper sauce into his face, which considering my dad used to use the latter to haze his daughter's boyfriends means they got on splendidly lol

[minoanmiss]

That sounds like an awesome sight to behold. *is delighted*

[dine]

since we raised & butcher cattle, my family ate lots of organ meats, though I don't know that we ever had pizzle; I do have vivid memories when I was 5 or 6 of mom casually skinning a tongue, that was enough to gross out kid!me

[minoanmiss]

Awwww, but tongue is so good!

I'm trying to remember being grossed out by food prep as a child. I don't want to say I never was but I don't recall any vivid instances.

[dine]

yeah, tongue is good. I think it was the process of peeling the membrane with the taste buds etc., off of it - that's what grossed out little kid me

I think sometimes having some distance from its original state helps (though it also allows people to get even weirder about their food)

[julian]

Huh. I've had tongue, and ball bits (in something Spanish I don't recall the name of), and tail, but not pizzazzle. I think the texture contrast (I mean, of peanuts and veggies) would work rilly well.

[kore]

....I just woke up from a horrible long nap and so for a hot second I thought this was going to be a review of an interesting kind of martial arts movie!

[adrian_turtle]

it seems like any protein can be given the kung pao treatment

I'm dubious. My perception is that the kung pao treatment is best suited for tender foods. You're describing something very tough and chewy even after long stewing. I suspect it would work better in a different kind of dish, like red-cooked beef.

[acelightning73]

Yes - like beef tendon. Or one might steam or boil it to make it more tender, then cut it into peanut-size morsels for kung bo.

[minoanmiss]

That's my plan, a lengthy stewing first, then cutting into bite size pieces and stir-fying as the dish requires.

[acelightning73]

There's usually a lot of garlic in kung bo dishes (I leave it out, just enjoying the ginger and hot pepper and peanuts. Just boil it until it goes soft, and do as you will.

[minoanmiss]

This is a very good point, but all I can do is try it and see if I can render the pizzle tender enough. (Obv. the red cooked dish, while delicious, will not render the pun.)

[acelightning73]

In one of Fuchsia Dunlop's books, she rhapsodizes about "hot pot", and she's in a hot pot restaurant, and a group of laborers is just tucking into ox-whip (pizzle) hot pot, as if anticipating a night of erotic adventure. Kung bo is one of my favorite CHinese styles - spicy and flavorful, with the earthy crunch of the peanuts for contrast. I don't know what ox penis tastes like - probably too cartilagenous and gristle-y for my tastes. But kung bo beef and pork exist, so it's just a matter of preparing the meat the way it needs to be prepared for this dish.

[sovay]

The pizzle has to be washed, the internal membrane peeled away, washed again, then stewed gently for about 2 hours.

That doesn't sound more complicated than the preparation of tongue. I don't know enough about kung pao to vote responsibly on the rest of it, except that I feel that incarnating a colorful expression as an edible dish is always worth trying.

[minoanmiss]

Yeah, that's a good comparison, but people's levels of comfort differ, ahahahaha. I've known people who wanted to apply medium heat to boneless slabs of meat and people who can take an animal from alive to fully cooked. And being conservative about what they're willing to do often overlaps with being judgemental about what others are willing to do. So I want to warn people as thoroughly as I can.

At least this can't turn out worse than the humble pie, whose recipe was clearly written by someone who could not cook. (it featured whole raw kidneys and raw curry powder under an ordinary pie crust, and I, being a young teenager, also didn't know how to cook well enough to critique the recipe. hilarity ensued.)

[sovay]

And being conservative about what they're willing to do often overlaps with being judgemental about what others are willing to do. So I want to warn people as thoroughly as I can.

Fair enough! I can also see it being prohibitively time-consuming for people no matter how open-minded about meat prep.

(it featured whole raw kidneys and raw curry powder under an ordinary pie crust, and I, being a young teenager, also didn't know how to cook well enough to critique the recipe. hilarity ensued.)

Oh, my God.

My mother once inherited an inedible challah recipe. I may have told this story. It was memorable not only because we couldn't eat it, but because when we took the remains to the reservoir to feed them to the ducks, the remains sank and the ducks fled in horror.

[minoanmiss]

Challah with the approximate density and weaponizability of rocks. That sounds like an EPIC tale.

[rachelkg]

I'm into the idea, both culinarily and for the meme. I suspect Sam would be entertained and curious but not eat much of it.

[minoanmiss]

Woot woot! This may be one of my silliest food experiments ever, but the lurkers support me in the poll!

[anna_wing]

I think this is the dish that I knew in my childhood just as Szechuan chicken, though it used cashew-nuts instead of peanuts. I don't think using pizzle would be disgusting, but it does sound like a lot of trouble. Perhaps using the same seasonings, but for a braise, instead of a stir-fry might be a way to do it, if the meat has to be stewed anyway.

[minoanmiss]

If I get enough for two dishes I might "just" braise half of it, but part of the point is to achieve the pun.

(laughs at myself)

[anagramofbrat]

there is no option in the poll for *laughing hysterically*

[minoanmiss]

Ahahahahah you should have heard me laughing as I wrote it!

[cmcmck]

Willies! :o)

[acelightning73]

What in the name of all the gods of capsaicin does "Kung pao penis" mean?

[minoanmiss]

Clearly, the dish I'm going to create!

Ahahaha, it's just an online witticism. For now.

[ceo]

Kung Pao Penis absolutely screams to be a band name in some ridiculous Asian punk genre that I am far too old and uncool to conceive of. I'll also note that you are scheduled to dine with us this Saturday and have asked what you should bring. I'm not entirely sure whether to forbid you to bring this dish or, er, kind of encourage it.

[minoanmiss]

Dude, no. When I have made this I will bring you, singular, a small container full, but this will not be my Dinner Contribution This Weekend because no and also no.

[acelightning73]

Give the nice man some good rice and beans. Or some curry goat.

[acelightning73]

I don't follow J-pop (except for Baby Metal) and/or K-pop. Back in IRC chat days, some AUstralian friends of mine would play "Band name- Mine!" for a clever phrase. "William Shatner's Hairpiece" and "Sauerkraut from Hell" (a nickname for Kimchi) were popular.